Feeling more like home

My anxiety level had been going up slowly for about a month before this trip to New York. Every year around this time as September 11 approaches, it’s the same occurrence. It hit a high last week. Something in my Brooklyn apartment triggered what felt like something that could have …

Flying Home

I decided to leave my little 240-square-foot haven in San Francisco and return to my Brooklyn apartment. The landlord wanted to raise my rent more than $200, which is about 10% higher than before. The cost is unsustainable. Besides this, I find myself unhappy living in the San Francisco Bay …

Does PTSD become like Alzheimer’s?

There’s a theory that a PTSD brain has structural similarities to an Alzheimer’s brain. I wonder about this every time I think about the trouble I go through to remember things. I spent a week devising a Father’s Day gift for my best friend. And when the day came, I …

Two Weeks Home in Brooklyn

My roommate moved out. It was a surprise. She was supposed to give me a move out date so that I could provide a move deposit with the management office. I came home to a quiet space Friday night. It was dirty. It’s still dirty, even though she “cleaned”. And …

Why PTSD Sufferers Tend Not to Become CEOs

I had trouble falling asleep last night. Aside from the excitement of possibly getting a new-old motorcycle, the lights outside in the courtyard of the building where I live were on until after 3am. Even though I have blinds and curtains to block the light, the courtyard lamps pointed up, …

Handlebars and Parking Your Bike

Why do Bay Area riders insist on parking their motorcycles with the handlebars turned to the right? While browsing Craigslist ads for a new ride for me, I’ve seen image after image with bikes’ handlebars turned unwisely to the right. This is absurd and stupid. I said it. It’s stupid. …

Never-fail Relief

My last blog post was about dissociation, and a bad day of it. It’s important for anyone, but especially a person with PTSD, to have something he or she can do to provide mental relief. For me, it’s riding motors on two wheels. At the end of a work day …

Memory Troubles

It seems my memory is getting worse. I don’t know if it’s because I’m dissociated and not fully paying attention or if my working memory simply isn’t working well. Yesterday I nearly asked the same question twice within five minutes. I caught myself from asking a second time. At a …

How to Build a Neighborhood

I wrote this message on a survey about the apartment building where I live in San Francisco about why I am dissatisfied with “knowing and/or socializing with [my] neighbors”: It’s not the fault of the community as much as it’s the fault of this transient SF culture. My neighbors are …

Mental Blips

Research indicates that a brain with PTSD has structural differences from a brain without. I wonder about this while engaged in returning to a task at work. Except I can not return without taking steps to recall what I was doing. An incoming email interruption and quick reply resulted in …