Paper Sorting

I’m still going through papers collected over the years of PTSD-ignorance. I found a notebook that spanned a few years from 2000 through 2001 into 2002. There are no years written, but based on the contents, I can figure out what the years were. One page was a rough sketch …

Food and PTSD

I know I’m not doing well when my dinner is spaghetti and red sauce from a jar. It would be thin spaghetti or angel hair, since it cooks faster. Self-care is of utmost importance for anyone with PTSD. A mentally healthy person can get away with not eating from being …

Brain Scan Wanted

This is the third week after my 9/11 nightmare. I can feel my heart is not beating normally without checking my pulse or touching my chest. I am about to drive roughly 30 miles to pick up a scooter, a 2003 Piaggio BV200. I feel the anxiety rising and I feel …

Two Weeks After The Nightmare; and An Unemployment Test

Finally feeling better after my death nightmare. My mind is still a bit foggy, but I feel confident enough to work; an office job, that is. Our Messed Up Employment System The US Labor Department is antiquated. It’s still geared toward physical labor, not toward white-collar work. This is evidenced in the questions …

Regressions

Dr. Zng taught me that PTSD patients may regress to behaviors that reflect childhood experiences. My grocery shopping hardships reflect how during my childhood my mother made most of the decisions. I was not allowed to make decisions on my own. For example, I wanted to play cello, but my …

Nightmares and Unemployment

The floor disappeared from under my feet. I saw red and knew immediately that I was going to die. My body fell in terror and died instantly. The next moment, fully conscious in my dream, I thought, “Finally!” I was happy to be dead and excited for the next phase. …

Motorcycle Battery Sizes

While unemployed, I’ve been trying to make the most of my time. I’ve had a motorcycle sitting in storage for the last six months, no thanks to my job leaving me uninspired to work on it. But now that I’ve got a brighter fire with my nonprofit Care For Us project, …

Hoarding

This week I learned that hoarding is a common activity of PTSD patients. I learned this from my new therapist, Dr. Zng, at the World Trade Center Health Program in New York City. I don’t know Dr. Zng’s first name. She is the first therapist I’ve ever had whose first …

Life Improves with an Idea for a Non-Profit

With PTSD symptoms disappearing or being less frequent, I began to enjoy everyday activities again. Unfortunately, enjoying life more also made me less appreciative of my job. A manager at the company could see I was no longer happy there, and since they were making budget cuts, they let me …

Sound Waves and The Brain

Recently I discovered the cause of my inability to shop for groceries like a normal human being. It is not an emotional trigger, which is why numerous attempts at emotional self-regulation going into grocery stores failed. Rather, it is a sound frequency seemingly created by either refrigerator compressors, air conditioning …