9/11 Victory

Yesterday was 9/11. For the first time in years I didn’t cry or become depressed. I almost cried after seeing an image on Instagram of a guy on a stair-climbing machine at a gym, wearing a firefighter’s uniform in honor of 9/11. I choke and tear up a bit just …

PTSD Regret

PTSD can push us to do things we later regret, like getting into fights. (I don’t regret all the fights I’ve gotten into. Ha ha.) But one regret in particular is bothering me today. A little more than two years after 9/11, my recently-ex boyfriend was in a car accident. I broke …

CBDa Medicine

In my previous post, I talked a little about how I tried an indica strain of cannabis, which failed to help me sleep. Since that trial I’ve learned about, and there have been innovations of, non-psychoactive strains of cannabis. In spite of all the emotional regulation I’ve practiced to overcome PTSD, there …

The Best Medicine

Early last week, I had been retraumatized and was mentally exhausted the rest of the week. Though I had worked through feelings of depression, I still had apathy. With apathy, there is no motivation. In PTSD, apathy is not something that comes simply with a situation. It weighs down everything. I was …

Not the kind of rollercoaster to ride

My new therapist is not like Eamonn. Eamonn would advise me to be careful about being exposed to places that remind me of traumas. That would include New York City. My new therapist advises me to expose myself to locations that remind me of the trauma. I don’t think my …

Denial Vacation

Denial is a vacation from reality. For two weeks I traveled with my boyfriend and his kids in Europe. Since we had three days planned on a boat, we decided to leave my service dog in the U.S. at my parents’ house. She’s not a happy swimmer. At the departure …

Overwhelm

Back home in Brooklyn, I’m still sorting through years of collected stuff. Some of it is junk, some of it is inspiration for creative DIY projects, and some of it is useful or needed but misplaced. It takes a painfully slow time going through it. It doesn’t help also having …

Paper Sorting

I’m still going through papers collected over the years of PTSD-ignorance. I found a notebook that spanned a few years from 2000 through 2001 into 2002. There are no years written, but based on the contents, I can figure out what the years were. One page was a rough sketch …

Food and PTSD

I know I’m not doing well when my dinner is spaghetti and red sauce from a jar. It would be thin spaghetti or angel hair, since it cooks faster. Self-care is of utmost importance for anyone with PTSD. A mentally healthy person can get away with not eating from being …

Brain Scan Wanted

This is the third week after my 9/11 nightmare. I can feel my heart is not beating normally without checking my pulse or touching my chest. I am about to drive roughly 30 miles to pick up a scooter, a 2003 Piaggio BV200. I feel the anxiety rising and I feel …