Momentary Gains of Relativity

Every now and then it hits me that I am in California. The thought goes something like, “Oh my goodness. I’m in San Francisco!” After 40 years in New York, being in the Golden State is quite a change. But the change doesn’t affect me like most people. I didn’t sense any stress about it. I wasn’t afraid except for a short time at JFK airport. Perhaps the only normal thing I’ve felt is sadness about the physical distance from friends and family.

Yesterday I got an antique suitcase for storing things. I decided to put cosmetics supplies in it. I haven’t used much of it since Hurricane Sandy. Looking at a make-up brush set that I used often to prepare for commercial auditions or for low-production shoots, my mind went back to acting days. Those were days full of hope.

The contrast between those days of hustling to create and these recent days of reacquainting with fulltime work brought on the realization that I am living in a different city on the opposite coast. But that’s all it brought. No feelings. I also realize that PTSD has prevented me from sensing the stress of moving and coming to an unknown environment. It also took away any excitement.

The new job has been the most exciting thing that has happened since arriving. It’s a job that fits my experience perfectly. Since it’s my first fulltime job since the job I had on 9-11, I have been focused on doing well at it. It takes almost all of my energy. With knowing now that I struggle with PTSD and how it can impede work, I put everything else on the backburner including this blog. There are a few other drafts pending, though I have little energy to edit and post.

Looking forward to more creative days.

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